The universe.

Growing up.. it's everywhere. People telling you that you're not old enough for things. The law that tries to keep you from doing things. Justice dealing with you differently because you haven't reached a certain age. 18. And growing up, I've been taught that 18 is a “big number”, then you're a grown up. Then you can do “whatever you want”.

This morning I looked at the date and realized that in a little over eleven months I'll have reached this age. It doesn't scare me that much, I just can't believe it in a way. It still feels like yesterday when I walked through the gates of middle school for the very first time. My first cigarette, my first tear, my first bike; all these things are still so very clear like they happened several days/weeks ago.

Time really does fly by.

“Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.”

Firstly, we were divided in little groups of four/five people. Then we discussed with that little group what could be disturbing factors in our class (note: factors could also mean certain people). We also tried to find solutions to those problems.

Then, we came back together in the studio with the whole class. Each group spoke up. Interestingly enough, almost every group wrote, mainly, the same things down. And thought of basically the same solutions of those problems.

Our teacher (there were 5 teachers present) asked us to answer two questions individually; How do you feel in this group? What do you think is irritating/frustrating about yourself?

That's when it began. We started to connect, we bonded. The 3rd person who had to answer those questions started crying a little bit (and she was only talking about the class). Others talked a bit about theirselves and explained that their behaviour is a result of those things. Two, maybe three persons after that 3rd person (so the 5th or 6th person) a girl broke down. She started crying and couldn't stop, she couldn't even finish her story. That's when the sympathy-tears came from nearly everyone. As we went on, more people started breaking down, and more people started crying as a token of compassion, of connection. And then, the tough one in our class, the one who always speaks his mind and isn't afraid of a fight also broke down. Everybody was suprised. Thèn! Then we were a class. We supported people when they started crying while telling us their story. We put our arms around the people sitting next to us if they also started crying.

And in all that crying it was very clear that everybody didn't like the way things were going. It was clear that everybody was afraid. We also talked about solutions and now time will tell.

This was a very emotional day. Me, somebody who has only cried in front of other people 2 or maybe 3 times also broke down in front of more than 20 people. Today I saw the most strong people breaking down. Actually, we were all saying: "Help me." "Help us."

Afterwards, we were all relieved. We hugged, we laughed. We appreciated eachother.

This day was amazing.

It's been hard. The love. The pain. The memories.
But it has also been enjoyable. Fun.
Necessary to experience.

I have a very vague impression of who I am, the core of my soul. But that is of course only an impression.
Frankly, I do not know. Nor do I wish to know. Maybe I'll know tomorrow, this very hour. Maybe the moment before I die, I'll know. Or maybe I'll simply never know. I'll always be searching, but no answer will be satisfying enough.
Sue me.